[WARNING:]
[ I'd like to let you know, before you read this, that this blog is a constant stream of my thoughts as they come and go and lead to other thoughts and conclusions.
There is little to no explanation for most of these thoughts, so I apologize if my musings confuse you.
If you would like further explanation, simply ask and I will be more than happy to share and explain.]

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It's raining.
The smell of damp earth is soothing on a spiritual level.
A long talk with a close friend, teaches me more about myself.
Understanding my own insecurities helps me battle them.
Defeating insecurities makes me a stronger and more whole person.

I spend alot, probably too much time, thinking about relationships...one imparticular.
It's not wrong or unhealthy, but it defeats the purpose.
I know what to do to salvage that love, but for some reason I do things on an instictive level. Things that end up making things harder.
Change is hard. It is a trial and error process.
I have always reacted to thoughts, doubts, fears, and actions of others when I should be acting.
(a reaction is unthinking, its impulsive. )
(an action is more precise, more thought about.)


To acknowledge myself.
To understand and KNOW myself.
This is truly empowering.
This allows me to be calm, despite my concern with my damaged relationship.

I smile as my thoughts wander : I wonder who reads this stuff...?

Allow me to get back on track:
It just seems funny that being here, broken and a fragment of my former self...Simply dwelling on the subject of "me", with no more sympathies, no more support....has allowed me to "get over it".
With no one here to baby me, no one to take care of me(save giving a place to stay) I have finally "sucked it up" for lack of more elegant wording.

I have never felt so in control than right now, in a situation that once made me feel so out-of-control, so alone.

The point of this is simply to share my amusement at the irony of my situation.
The point is to confirm, to whoever reads this and to myself, that change...growth...comes slowly and in the most surprising ways.

I still want those same things for my future, and I am still rather impatient...the difference now is that I understand and ACCEPT that I may have to wait longer than I'm comfortable. . . and I understand and ACCEPT that my dreams, may not be his.

...and for some strange reason, I'm okay.
I'm not apathetic, or giving up.
I feel a tenderness that is alien to my former personality.
I feel comfortable in my own skin and I think I truly am thinking of his needs and not my own selfish ones.

I think I understand that my actions may have done too much damage and if he decides, in the end that love is not the word, I can now say : "I understand and I'm sorry for my part in this." and mean it.


The most amusing part of this blog is that I discovered more about myself and grew, even though that wasn't at all my intention. Jumbles of words and thoughts, written down for my own sake of organization, lead me to conclusions that are impossible otherwise.
I think I'll go and draw something.